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  • Amoebas use cell phones.
  • An Apple computer falls on the head of Isaac Newton's great, great, great, great, great, great grandson.
  • Scientists discover that the substance inside of golf balls makes people dress poorly.
  • An experiment on Reese's monkeys shows that some prefer chocolate and some prefer peanut butter.
  • Pavlov's dog goes to prison for attacking him.
  • Dr. Frankincense invents frankincense.
  • A baby falls out of a treetop and the police wonder who would be stupid enough to put a cradle there.
  • The real reason Pavlov's dog salivated was because he saw an attractive female dog.
  • A cat inspires one of Newton's laws.
  • Nerdy complex carbs don't mix well with stupid simple proteins.
  • It would be useful if babies' bellybuttons were snooze buttons.
  • A probe for Saturn is ready to launch, but the clock on it keeps flashing 12:00.